People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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