Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
