You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
