I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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