I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
