Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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