Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
