I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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