Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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