I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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