Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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