shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
