I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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