i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
The uberlube is also flammable
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
