So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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