I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
