there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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