happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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