hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
