He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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