i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Randomize
