She said her name was "party"
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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