i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
