That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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