I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
