1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
