Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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