well I can't set my house on fire every night
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
