i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I think a kid would responsible me up
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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