My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
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she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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