he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
