mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
