so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
