my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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