i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize