The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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