Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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