you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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