Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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