i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
