Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
