I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
