cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
