I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
