This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
