I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
