i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
