The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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