The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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