I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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