I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
