I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
