Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
