Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
