actually, I'm a sock model
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
