Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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