nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My dick has a subreddit
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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