Banned from zoo.
Again?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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