I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
