so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
