at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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