tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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